Comments on: Role Reversal: paying mom an allowance http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/2010/06/role-reversal-paying-mom-an-allowance/ up on my high horse, deep in thought Mon, 12 Dec 2011 05:55:00 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Blkrose84 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/2010/06/role-reversal-paying-mom-an-allowance/comment-page-1/#comment-3987 Blkrose84 Mon, 27 Sep 2010 23:30:00 +0000 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/?p=2526#comment-3987 My relationship is better with my mom but I have the EXACT same problem. Anytime I hear from her mid-week (Sunday is our day to talk) I know it's because she needs money. I live in NYC too and work on Wall St. and so my fam (all of whom are in NC) all think I'm Ms. Moneybags. And although I am doing well, it does frustrate me that my mom has only herself to support (she works) and can't manage to do that b/c she is (and always has been) financially irresponsible. I love my mother and she worked really hard to raise me and my sister alone and b/c of that my sister and I both worked hard to make sure she didn't have to pay for our education - we both got full merit scholarships. I was fully financially independent by my junior year in college thanks to well paying internships (i.e., I paid for my own everything - my food, my mobile bill, my books - everything - this was also the point at which I started helping my mom w/ money...), so my mom hasn't had a soul to support other than herself in about 7 years. My sister now has a husband and two kids so she has no $ to spare. I actually have a co-worker in the same situation, only it's both her mom and sister who constantly need money. I think this is actually a very common problem for first-generation affluent blk ppl. While my white colleagues' parents are paying the rent on their 1 bedroom lofts in Tribeca, in any given month I'm paying my rent and possibly my mom's mortgage... I HEAR YOU GIRL, you are certainly not alone... My relationship is better with my mom but I have the EXACT same problem. Anytime I hear from her mid-week (Sunday is our day to talk) I know it’s because she needs money. I live in NYC too and work on Wall St. and so my fam (all of whom are in NC) all think I’m Ms. Moneybags. And although I am doing well, it does frustrate me that my mom has only herself to support (she works) and can’t manage to do that b/c she is (and always has been) financially irresponsible. I love my mother and she worked really hard to raise me and my sister alone and b/c of that my sister and I both worked hard to make sure she didn’t have to pay for our education – we both got full merit scholarships. I was fully financially independent by my junior year in college thanks to well paying internships (i.e., I paid for my own everything – my food, my mobile bill, my books – everything – this was also the point at which I started helping my mom w/ money…), so my mom hasn’t had a soul to support other than herself in about 7 years. My sister now has a husband and two kids so she has no $ to spare. I actually have a co-worker in the same situation, only it’s both her mom and sister who constantly need money. I think this is actually a very common problem for first-generation affluent blk ppl. While my white colleagues’ parents are paying the rent on their 1 bedroom lofts in Tribeca, in any given month I’m paying my rent and possibly my mom’s mortgage… I HEAR YOU GIRL, you are certainly not alone…

]]> By: Nola Darling http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/2010/06/role-reversal-paying-mom-an-allowance/comment-page-1/#comment-3663 Nola Darling Fri, 27 Aug 2010 13:07:00 +0000 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/?p=2526#comment-3663 My husband has the same problem. His mother consantly begs him for money. She also goes "shopping" at our house which is a shame because we are a young couple. We have given her our brand new couch, a blow up matress, vaccum, space heater and etc. One day I noticed that she only came over to visit when she wanted to take/borrow something from our household. I asked her "what else are you going to take"? She got the message. When you choose to get married you are going to have to put your foot down. Only help her when she is in absolute need. That's the agreement I have with my husband. I don't feel bad because my inlaw is able-bodied. After I put my foot down with her she has been working to support herself as an adult should. My husband has the same problem. His mother consantly begs him for money. She also goes “shopping” at our house which is a shame because we are a young couple. We have given her our brand new couch, a blow up matress, vaccum, space heater and etc. One day I noticed that she only came over to visit when she wanted to take/borrow something from our household. I asked her “what else are you going to take”? She got the message.

When you choose to get married you are going to have to put your foot down. Only help her when she is in absolute need. That’s the agreement I have with my husband. I don’t feel bad because my inlaw is able-bodied. After I put my foot down with her she has been working to support herself as an adult should.

]]> By: Pinkflame1983 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/2010/06/role-reversal-paying-mom-an-allowance/comment-page-1/#comment-3586 Pinkflame1983 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:01:37 +0000 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/?p=2526#comment-3586 My mom asks for money all the time too! I feel like she asks so much that when she really NEEDS it, I'm like NO! She's a divorcee and when my parents were married she didn't work or drive, two handicaps. When she got divorced I graduated from school so we were both at square one and she still hasn't improved. I'm so over it. My mom asks for money all the time too! I feel like she asks so much that when she really NEEDS it, I’m like NO! She’s a divorcee and when my parents were married she didn’t work or drive, two handicaps. When she got divorced I graduated from school so we were both at square one and she still hasn’t improved. I’m so over it.

]]> By: Pinkflame1983 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/2010/06/role-reversal-paying-mom-an-allowance/comment-page-1/#comment-3976 Pinkflame1983 Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:01:00 +0000 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/?p=2526#comment-3976 My mom asks for money all the time too! I feel like she asks so much that when she really NEEDS it, I'm like NO! She's a divorcee and when my parents were married she didn't work or drive, two handicaps. When she got divorced I graduated from school so we were both at square one and she still hasn't improved. I'm so over it. My mom asks for money all the time too! I feel like she asks so much that when she really NEEDS it, I’m like NO! She’s a divorcee and when my parents were married she didn’t work or drive, two handicaps. When she got divorced I graduated from school so we were both at square one and she still hasn’t improved. I’m so over it.

]]> By: DCBuppie http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/2010/06/role-reversal-paying-mom-an-allowance/comment-page-1/#comment-3561 DCBuppie Tue, 29 Jun 2010 17:57:17 +0000 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/?p=2526#comment-3561 Slightly different, but I had a huge falling out with my Moms over "money". She feels like I should support her expensive habits, over taking care of me. I feel she is really out of line. So yea I feel you on the resentment. Slightly different, but I had a huge falling out with my Moms over “money”. She feels like I should support her expensive habits, over taking care of me. I feel she is really out of line. So yea I feel you on the resentment.

]]> By: DCBuppie http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/2010/06/role-reversal-paying-mom-an-allowance/comment-page-1/#comment-3975 DCBuppie Tue, 29 Jun 2010 17:57:00 +0000 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/?p=2526#comment-3975 Slightly different, but I had a huge falling out with my Moms over "money". She feels like I should support her expensive habits, over taking care of me. I feel she is really out of line. So yea I feel you on the resentment. Slightly different, but I had a huge falling out with my Moms over “money”. She feels like I should support her expensive habits, over taking care of me. I feel she is really out of line. So yea I feel you on the resentment.

]]> By: Katchin05 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/2010/06/role-reversal-paying-mom-an-allowance/comment-page-1/#comment-3560 Katchin05 Tue, 29 Jun 2010 02:00:08 +0000 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/?p=2526#comment-3560 I don't find this at all whiny, and I think it's justifiably selfish. You have no responsibility to care for adults who are able-bodied, and frankly haven't contributed to you that much. Although they were talking about a different aspect of parenting, someone once told me that raising a child is an investment, and at some point you expect a return on that. If your mom wasn't a primary investor, why does she deserve a return? I understand the concept of an allowance, but I wouldn't do it. I've seen close family in a situation like this, and including them in your budget doesn't work out well. She will most likely begin to expect your allowance like she would a paycheck. What if, God forbid, something happens and you can't continue to give her that? There will be resentment on both sides. Her budget shouldn't be set around what you give. Long story short, you've just gotta learn to say no. If you feel like giving,for something you feel is worthwhile, do so. But don't feel like you have to. And don't make it an ongoing commitment for yourself. I don’t find this at all whiny, and I think it’s justifiably selfish. You have no responsibility to care for adults who are able-bodied, and frankly haven’t contributed to you that much. Although they were talking about a different aspect of parenting, someone once told me that raising a child is an investment, and at some point you expect a return on that. If your mom wasn’t a primary investor, why does she deserve a return?
I understand the concept of an allowance, but I wouldn’t do it. I’ve seen close family in a situation like this, and including them in your budget doesn’t work out well. She will most likely begin to expect your allowance like she would a paycheck. What if, God forbid, something happens and you can’t continue to give her that? There will be resentment on both sides. Her budget shouldn’t be set around what you give.
Long story short, you’ve just gotta learn to say no. If you feel like giving,for something you feel is worthwhile, do so. But don’t feel like you have to. And don’t make it an ongoing commitment for yourself.

]]> By: Katchin05 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/2010/06/role-reversal-paying-mom-an-allowance/comment-page-1/#comment-3974 Katchin05 Tue, 29 Jun 2010 02:00:00 +0000 http://www.bourgieinterrupted.com/?p=2526#comment-3974 I don't find this at all whiny, and I think it's justifiably selfish. You have no responsibility to care for adults who are able-bodied, and frankly haven't contributed to you that much. Although they were talking about a different aspect of parenting, someone once told me that raising a child is an investment, and at some point you expect a return on that. If your mom wasn't a primary investor, why does she deserve a return? I understand the concept of an allowance, but I wouldn't do it. I've seen close family in a situation like this, and including them in your budget doesn't work out well. She will most likely begin to expect your allowance like she would a paycheck. What if, God forbid, something happens and you can't continue to give her that? There will be resentment on both sides. Her budget shouldn't be set around what you give. Long story short, you've just gotta learn to say no. If you feel like giving,for something you feel is worthwhile, do so. But don't feel like you have to. And don't make it an ongoing commitment for yourself. I don’t find this at all whiny, and I think it’s justifiably selfish. You have no responsibility to care for adults who are able-bodied, and frankly haven’t contributed to you that much. Although they were talking about a different aspect of parenting, someone once told me that raising a child is an investment, and at some point you expect a return on that. If your mom wasn’t a primary investor, why does she deserve a return?
I understand the concept of an allowance, but I wouldn’t do it. I’ve seen close family in a situation like this, and including them in your budget doesn’t work out well. She will most likely begin to expect your allowance like she would a paycheck. What if, God forbid, something happens and you can’t continue to give her that? There will be resentment on both sides. Her budget shouldn’t be set around what you give.
Long story short, you’ve just gotta learn to say no. If you feel like giving,for something you feel is worthwhile, do so. But don’t feel like you have to. And don’t make it an ongoing commitment for yourself.

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